Day 36 Keto

Keto weight: 225.5 this morning!

That's 13 lbs down in 5 weeks.

I also started the 21 Day Fix [work out program] today.

Day 1 in the books!

Now to keep it up.

Dream Goal

My dream weight, my dream figure is to be tiny like Audrey Hepburn. I know it's impossible because my shoulders are much too wide and I'm 225.9 lbs. She was probably 110 lbs sopping wet.

Realistically, IF I can lose the amount of weight I want [101.9 lbs] then I'll probably have more of a Marilyn Monroe figure. I have the classic hourglass, extreme hips and broad shoulders [Flat bosom which sucks].

A girl can dream.

I read recently where one of the main characters told the other that "you can be anything but to never be anyone but [themselves]"

I should dream to be the very best version of myself... not Hepburn or Monroe. They were the best and worst of themselves too. They had flaws [okay maybe not Hepburn] too. 

Day 32 Keto

Keto weigh in this morning:

225.9

YESSSS.

I haven't been this weight since the birth of my son. I can't even express how pumped I am about this occurrence.

I still enjoy an occasional coffee with almond creamer usually as a treat.

My breakfasts mainly consist of either my sausage soup or mmm yummy fajitas with low-carb tortillas and a splash of garlic aoili sauce. 

I even enjoy pizza [cauliflower crust pizza and it's NOT bad. It's actually pretty good].

The only problem is that this week I really wanted sugary drinks. But! I stayed the course. I actually put a splash of cranberry/grape juice in my water, just enough to make it light light *light* pink. So it wasn't much. That helped some of my sweet cravings. And I still lost a pound of weight.

Yay!

day 24 of Keto!

I am down 12 lbs. Which isn't the best I could do but it's still pretty frggn awesome. 

226.4 lbs this morning. Just another 102.4 to go until my "ideal" weight. 

Sanctimonious Husband

I hate having arguments with my husband, because in his eyes... he's always right.

Plus half of our arguments are over childish sht.

I told him I didn't want to watch "his" show with him because he forces me to watch them out of order. He then explained I had the ability to watch them at night. Which isn't true [I share television time with the kids]. However, I also explained that I like to watch shows in order. He KNOWS this about me. I've re-started whole series over and over if I lose my place. So, his thought is that I can watch Episode 10 today and spend that time "with the family" [as if the kids aren't plugged straight into their tablets the whole time] and then watch the previous episodes at night that way HE doesn't lose HIS place in the show while I work and he continues to watch the rest without me.

It's so childish and stupid to fight over this, especially since it's *my* lunchtime. My breaktime.

My frustration is his reaction, he started swearing at me and then stomping around and ignoring me for the rest of the time while mumbling under his breath.

I can't live with that hostility and honestly I'd rather be ANYWHERE but here right now. I know I love him but right now I don't like him at all.

day 3 of Keto

That's right. I was sick and tired of looking at the scale and seeing it go up, so I'm back on Keto. So far it's been pretty good. I'm kind of concerned for tonight after work. Yesterday I skipped dinner cause I wasnt really hungry and then this morning I wasn't really feeling breakfast.... I just had a snack of cheese, which I try to limit, and hopefully that'll keep me full until dinner.

Lunch today was leftover salad.

What I'm most proud of myself is the amount of water I'm drinking. And I've essentially cut out coffee.

Yay.

Depression

I'm struggling to fight off my depression today because I'm so concerned over my weight.

It's a good day. It's beautiful out, I worked some weekend OT for the first time in forever, and the kids are at their grandparents. Today should be a nice "break" day and yet I'm struggling with myself.

My kitchen still looks pretty great, so that's a win.

Depression sucks. Being obese fucking sucks even more.

Riggs, New Day

I'm fucking tired of Jonathan's expectations.

He expects me to click and read everything he sends me, but I send him something and he doesn't fucking bother.

This week has been an absolute shitshow. Because of the last Riggs Day, it set off my week into a fucking spiral. I shouldn't let it, and for whatever reason I fucking APOLOGIZED to my friend. I shouldn't apologize.... but Jonathan made me feel bad because I was shitty during the D&D session. You know what I want to do? I want to tell my fucking husband to FUCK HIMSELF. I'M NOT THE ONE WHO BULLIED SOMEONE INTO A DEPRESSIVE SPIRAL. Jonathan should have more fucking sympathy towards his WIFE. 

I'm SO tired of being the one to apologize. I'm so absolutely TIRED of being the one who is "wrong" all the fucking time.

I'm so fucking done. I just... I don't even know what to do with myself anymore.

riggs part 7

It took all afternoon and now right before bed, I finally broached the subject with my husband. I don't think he even noticed that it hurt me so much. I ended up sobbing alone in my bedroom from this.

It's hard not to cry when you know you're the stupidest person in the room.

riggs part 6

I know I shouldn't take it to heart...

But it's just... it's a bad day for this type of jest, because I was suffering from a massive depressive episode last night, so I'm even more sensitive today.

I don't know if I want to play anymore. Maybe I should just not after this campaign. Which sucks cause I love playing D&D.

riggs part 5

I know I'm bad with numbers but for fucks sake I can add a +1. My character got hit by 34 damage and an extra 1 for electricity... and from another friend [not the first one] he says "so 35 damage" NO FUCKING WAY, I THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BE MORE!

I'm trying to stay positive, but I dunno, I know this will affect me for months to come. 

riggs part 4

It doesn't help that this individual is one of the most handsome, physically fit men that I've met in my life. He's literally trying out for the olympics in the men's swimming division. Have you ever imagined a perfect good guy? Extra tall, handsome, deep voice, coppery/blond hair and in the best shape of their life. He hits ALL of that, AND on top of it all, he's fucking smart.

Like... literally going to school for rocket science sht. He sounds like an impossible person, but that's him.

I'm incredibly intimidated by his good guy persona and perfection.

I'm happily *married* with children, and live a generally happy life... but this guy reminds me of all my imperfections constantly.

I'm not fit [In fact, I'm morbidly obese], I'm physically unattractive and I'm not smart. About the only thing going for me is that I'm a good person and tenderhearted. This makes me extra sensitive to criticism.

So yeah, I know he didn't *mean* it, but it's still hard for me to take jokes like that.

riggs day part 3

Pretty sure he realizes he hurt my feelings cause he text me a heart gif during the game which is unusual.

I'm not going to feel guilty for his words

riggs day part 2

I'm not smart.

This is what triggered this "riggs day". 

My friend, yes a friend, made fun of me about my lack of math skills.

I'm not *stupid* I'm just really terrible with numbers. I will literally think 5+6=11... and then DOUBT myself that it's 11, so I re-check. But because it takes me so long to check and re-check, and re-check again... and I have to do this several times during our games... I feel stupid. 

So unfortunately, the barrage of comments about my lack of intelligence didn't help.

Sadly, this happened during the beginning of our d&d session. I know he said it in jest, but unfortunately it impacts my mindset.

Because *I* don't care what happens to me, now I don't care what happens during our session today. 

It's kind of sad because these are our last sessions for our campaign. I was hoping it would be... better. Now I'm focused on not performing anything math in front of my group again.

Like I wish I could leave the table.

I wish I could go curl up into a ball in my bed.

I wish I could curl up and die.

riggs day

Riggs is code for I wouldn't care if I died right now.

Doesn't mean I'm suicidal, just fucking depressed and wish I'd die so I could just fuckin sleep.

I'm just... I'm sad and tired.

But I'm still here...

Rest Day #2 [sort of?]

Today was a rest day, but I moved my exercise bike to my WFH station and did that while I worked for about 15-20 minutes.

I ate like sht though.

Had a coffee with my breakfast break[sargento?] for breakfast, missed/skipped lunch and then had FRIED seafood, onion rings, fries for dinner.

My stomach is angry with me.

Also! Artist Goals

I haven't been part of a prompt event in a long time [2008] and I happen to see a friends post about the SPN Big Bang. Checked the dates and tomorrow is the cut off for the sign-up [for writers], well I saw the disproportionate amount of writers to artists and signed up for the Art prompts.

There's only like 2 weeks from claim to post, which is kinda tight, but I'll keep an eye out on the prompts, maybe make a couple ideation sketches/roughs for various stories.

I'm excited but also kind of nauseous. I've never posted my art online. 

Work Out Day 2

I took a rest day yesterday [honestly I just wanted to sleep in] AND I *almost* did it again today. However, while working from home, I moved my excercise bike to my desk [my desk is elevated] and it works out perfectly. I was able to work AND kickass at the same time. I also did a couple squats, russian twists, crunches, and a 30 second FULL plank [NOT modified/NOT on my knees]... I feel so good and I'm proud of myself.

Let's keep going...

Work Out Day 1 [again]

Got on the exercise bike today. Instead of letting it collect dust, I let it collect my sweat today. Hell Yeah! Worked out for 25 minutes and got around 11.25 km

[I'm hoping to get back on the bike tonight before bed]

I've got a lick of motivation, just gotta keep going.

Game plan, how will I do this?

In the morning before work, I'll jump on the bike for 25 minutes every day. While drinking 16 oz of water.

Get to work/plan on a healthy meal.

Keto? Let's try it again.

reinvent the wheel?

I've been eating like sht and treating myself badly. In fact, I've thought some very dangerous thoughts in that regards. Thankfully being self-aware of previous depressive states, I'm the type of person to seek out others for help before giving up.

I have a beautiful life. I just need to keep my eye on the goal.

Get in shape. Feel better naturally. Quit soda. In fact, quit the sofa too. Being a couch potato is a waste of my life.