Riggs, New Day

I'm fucking tired of Jonathan's expectations.

He expects me to click and read everything he sends me, but I send him something and he doesn't fucking bother.

This week has been an absolute shitshow. Because of the last Riggs Day, it set off my week into a fucking spiral. I shouldn't let it, and for whatever reason I fucking APOLOGIZED to my friend. I shouldn't apologize.... but Jonathan made me feel bad because I was shitty during the D&D session. You know what I want to do? I want to tell my fucking husband to FUCK HIMSELF. I'M NOT THE ONE WHO BULLIED SOMEONE INTO A DEPRESSIVE SPIRAL. Jonathan should have more fucking sympathy towards his WIFE. 

I'm SO tired of being the one to apologize. I'm so absolutely TIRED of being the one who is "wrong" all the fucking time.

I'm so fucking done. I just... I don't even know what to do with myself anymore.

riggs part 7

It took all afternoon and now right before bed, I finally broached the subject with my husband. I don't think he even noticed that it hurt me so much. I ended up sobbing alone in my bedroom from this.

It's hard not to cry when you know you're the stupidest person in the room.

riggs part 6

I know I shouldn't take it to heart...

But it's just... it's a bad day for this type of jest, because I was suffering from a massive depressive episode last night, so I'm even more sensitive today.

I don't know if I want to play anymore. Maybe I should just not after this campaign. Which sucks cause I love playing D&D.

riggs part 5

I know I'm bad with numbers but for fucks sake I can add a +1. My character got hit by 34 damage and an extra 1 for electricity... and from another friend [not the first one] he says "so 35 damage" NO FUCKING WAY, I THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BE MORE!

I'm trying to stay positive, but I dunno, I know this will affect me for months to come. 

riggs part 4

It doesn't help that this individual is one of the most handsome, physically fit men that I've met in my life. He's literally trying out for the olympics in the men's swimming division. Have you ever imagined a perfect good guy? Extra tall, handsome, deep voice, coppery/blond hair and in the best shape of their life. He hits ALL of that, AND on top of it all, he's fucking smart.

Like... literally going to school for rocket science sht. He sounds like an impossible person, but that's him.

I'm incredibly intimidated by his good guy persona and perfection.

I'm happily *married* with children, and live a generally happy life... but this guy reminds me of all my imperfections constantly.

I'm not fit [In fact, I'm morbidly obese], I'm physically unattractive and I'm not smart. About the only thing going for me is that I'm a good person and tenderhearted. This makes me extra sensitive to criticism.

So yeah, I know he didn't *mean* it, but it's still hard for me to take jokes like that.

riggs day part 3

Pretty sure he realizes he hurt my feelings cause he text me a heart gif during the game which is unusual.

I'm not going to feel guilty for his words

riggs day part 2

I'm not smart.

This is what triggered this "riggs day". 

My friend, yes a friend, made fun of me about my lack of math skills.

I'm not *stupid* I'm just really terrible with numbers. I will literally think 5+6=11... and then DOUBT myself that it's 11, so I re-check. But because it takes me so long to check and re-check, and re-check again... and I have to do this several times during our games... I feel stupid. 

So unfortunately, the barrage of comments about my lack of intelligence didn't help.

Sadly, this happened during the beginning of our d&d session. I know he said it in jest, but unfortunately it impacts my mindset.

Because *I* don't care what happens to me, now I don't care what happens during our session today. 

It's kind of sad because these are our last sessions for our campaign. I was hoping it would be... better. Now I'm focused on not performing anything math in front of my group again.

Like I wish I could leave the table.

I wish I could go curl up into a ball in my bed.

I wish I could curl up and die.

riggs day

Riggs is code for I wouldn't care if I died right now.

Doesn't mean I'm suicidal, just fucking depressed and wish I'd die so I could just fuckin sleep.

I'm just... I'm sad and tired.

But I'm still here...

Rest Day #2 [sort of?]

Today was a rest day, but I moved my exercise bike to my WFH station and did that while I worked for about 15-20 minutes.

I ate like sht though.

Had a coffee with my breakfast break[sargento?] for breakfast, missed/skipped lunch and then had FRIED seafood, onion rings, fries for dinner.

My stomach is angry with me.

Also! Artist Goals

I haven't been part of a prompt event in a long time [2008] and I happen to see a friends post about the SPN Big Bang. Checked the dates and tomorrow is the cut off for the sign-up [for writers], well I saw the disproportionate amount of writers to artists and signed up for the Art prompts.

There's only like 2 weeks from claim to post, which is kinda tight, but I'll keep an eye out on the prompts, maybe make a couple ideation sketches/roughs for various stories.

I'm excited but also kind of nauseous. I've never posted my art online. 

Work Out Day 2

I took a rest day yesterday [honestly I just wanted to sleep in] AND I *almost* did it again today. However, while working from home, I moved my excercise bike to my desk [my desk is elevated] and it works out perfectly. I was able to work AND kickass at the same time. I also did a couple squats, russian twists, crunches, and a 30 second FULL plank [NOT modified/NOT on my knees]... I feel so good and I'm proud of myself.

Let's keep going...

Work Out Day 1 [again]

Got on the exercise bike today. Instead of letting it collect dust, I let it collect my sweat today. Hell Yeah! Worked out for 25 minutes and got around 11.25 km

[I'm hoping to get back on the bike tonight before bed]

I've got a lick of motivation, just gotta keep going.

Game plan, how will I do this?

In the morning before work, I'll jump on the bike for 25 minutes every day. While drinking 16 oz of water.

Get to work/plan on a healthy meal.

Keto? Let's try it again.

reinvent the wheel?

I've been eating like sht and treating myself badly. In fact, I've thought some very dangerous thoughts in that regards. Thankfully being self-aware of previous depressive states, I'm the type of person to seek out others for help before giving up.

I have a beautiful life. I just need to keep my eye on the goal.

Get in shape. Feel better naturally. Quit soda. In fact, quit the sofa too. Being a couch potato is a waste of my life.