Depression

I'm struggling to fight off my depression today because I'm so concerned over my weight.

It's a good day. It's beautiful out, I worked some weekend OT for the first time in forever, and the kids are at their grandparents. Today should be a nice "break" day and yet I'm struggling with myself.

My kitchen still looks pretty great, so that's a win.

Depression sucks. Being obese fucking sucks even more.

Riggs, New Day

I'm fucking tired of Jonathan's expectations.

He expects me to click and read everything he sends me, but I send him something and he doesn't fucking bother.

This week has been an absolute shitshow. Because of the last Riggs Day, it set off my week into a fucking spiral. I shouldn't let it, and for whatever reason I fucking APOLOGIZED to my friend. I shouldn't apologize.... but Jonathan made me feel bad because I was shitty during the D&D session. You know what I want to do? I want to tell my fucking husband to FUCK HIMSELF. I'M NOT THE ONE WHO BULLIED SOMEONE INTO A DEPRESSIVE SPIRAL. Jonathan should have more fucking sympathy towards his WIFE. 

I'm SO tired of being the one to apologize. I'm so absolutely TIRED of being the one who is "wrong" all the fucking time.

I'm so fucking done. I just... I don't even know what to do with myself anymore.

riggs part 7

It took all afternoon and now right before bed, I finally broached the subject with my husband. I don't think he even noticed that it hurt me so much. I ended up sobbing alone in my bedroom from this.

It's hard not to cry when you know you're the stupidest person in the room.

riggs part 6

I know I shouldn't take it to heart...

But it's just... it's a bad day for this type of jest, because I was suffering from a massive depressive episode last night, so I'm even more sensitive today.

I don't know if I want to play anymore. Maybe I should just not after this campaign. Which sucks cause I love playing D&D.

riggs part 5

I know I'm bad with numbers but for fucks sake I can add a +1. My character got hit by 34 damage and an extra 1 for electricity... and from another friend [not the first one] he says "so 35 damage" NO FUCKING WAY, I THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BE MORE!

I'm trying to stay positive, but I dunno, I know this will affect me for months to come. 

riggs part 4

It doesn't help that this individual is one of the most handsome, physically fit men that I've met in my life. He's literally trying out for the olympics in the men's swimming division. Have you ever imagined a perfect good guy? Extra tall, handsome, deep voice, coppery/blond hair and in the best shape of their life. He hits ALL of that, AND on top of it all, he's fucking smart.

Like... literally going to school for rocket science sht. He sounds like an impossible person, but that's him.

I'm incredibly intimidated by his good guy persona and perfection.

I'm happily *married* with children, and live a generally happy life... but this guy reminds me of all my imperfections constantly.

I'm not fit [In fact, I'm morbidly obese], I'm physically unattractive and I'm not smart. About the only thing going for me is that I'm a good person and tenderhearted. This makes me extra sensitive to criticism.

So yeah, I know he didn't *mean* it, but it's still hard for me to take jokes like that.

riggs day part 3

Pretty sure he realizes he hurt my feelings cause he text me a heart gif during the game which is unusual.

I'm not going to feel guilty for his words